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THE SHORT VERSION: Paramount owns
Star Trek and everything to do with it. I make no money off
this site; it's just for fun. For more details, read the long
version. Live long and prosper.
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A group of ugly insulted aliens storms off Enterprise,
and no one can quite figure out what pissed them off so badly,
except that it happened in the Mess Hall. While Hoshi beats
herself up over not being able to grasp the lingo, T'Pol offers
cold comfort by suggesting it was Trip's table manners which
upset them. (You know, using the side of the bowl rather than
a spoon to twirl pasta is perfectly acceptable in the south.
Miss Vulcans Do Not Touch Their Food needs to get off her
high sehlat.) Archer goes to pout in his ready room. Our boy
generously flings himself upon the Sacrificial Altar of Really
Dumb Sports and proposes a video of a water
polo match try and cheer up the cap'n. Archer likes the
idea of watching a bunch of wet muscular men in tight Speedos
wrestle for a slippery ball, so he accepts the offer. Hmm,
so would I.
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Trip and Archer share beer and pretzels while
watching a college
water polo match between Stanford, which is implied to
be Archer's alma mater, and Texas, which isn't California
and is therefore good enough for Trip. (It's like the Yankees
or the Cowboys -- you're either for them, or for whoever
else is playing.) Their date is interrupted by a frantic call
from Crewperson Expendable about a Plot Monster eating her
cribbage
partner in the Cargo Bay. Archer and Trip meet Malcolm and
Security Officer NoName outside the Cargo Bay, and discover
that Expendable meant to say "Snot Monster."
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Archer is promptly slimed and sucked in. Trip
clings
tenaciously to the captain's hand, trying to slow him
down -- or at least provide ballast -- but gets dragged unceremoniously
across the floor.
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Trip yells for the other two to get out even
as he himself gets snotnapped. Mal makes it, but NoName doesn't,
bringing the nascent collective to five. (I'd just like to
point out here that the whole tentacle scene has some of the
worst CGI I've seen on modern Trek. I guess director
Roxann Dawson blew most of her budget on the rest of the
episode's SFX, because the actors know from greenscreen
and this was just bad rendering.)
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The unslimed main cast gathers to figure out
what to do. Malcolm's first suggestion of "blow the thing
up!" is tempered into "shoot the thing until it gives up!"
However, when they try to fill the Snot Monster with EM radiation,
everyone starts screaming in pain. Turns out they really are
something of a collective: what one feels, they all feel.
Mal quits shooting, quite sulkily, and wanders off to Sickbay
to find something else to fire on.
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 While
the folks in the Cargo Bay recover, the bridge crew pairs
off to squabble. Mal and Phlox argue in Sickbay. Hoshi and
T'Pol snipe over a translation problem. Travis draws the short
straw and gets to chew scenery; fortunately, the ensign is
the ONLY PERSON on the bridge at the time, so no one gets
to see him embarrass himself in his sole scene this month.
(Dawson must have really been into the "one voice bad,
two voices good" theme.)
The Snot Collective starts to gel. Everyone
is getting Five of Six's thoughts about water
polo, whether they like it or not. This makes our boy
panic. The last time Trip read someone's mind without actually
touching the person, he wound up pregnant
with an alligator-skinned alien baby girl. One imagines
Trip doesn't want to get that close with his captain, certain
audience segments notwithstanding.
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Archer sends
the SLEEP command to everyone, which helps calm them down
but has the unfortunate side effect of bringing all five of
them closer to becoming one with the Great
Link. Eventually Hoshi figures out how to talk to the
Snot Monster, who spits out the five adjuncts rather gently
in exchange for being brought home.
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Photos: Soraya via ConnorTrinneer.com,
StarTrek.com
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