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THE SHORT VERSION: Paramount owns
Star Trek and everything to do with it. I make no money off
this site; it's just for fun. For more details, read the long
version. Live long and prosper.
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Trip is in his quarters playing a mouth organ.
Um, he's playing a harmonica. By himself. Which seems silly,
because the lights are bright and cheery for what's often
a blues instrument, he's alone for what's essentially a performing
activity, and Trip should be playing guitar anyway. A ship
wanders up off the bow in a bad bit of greenscreen and Archer
calls to ask if he'd like to play Mister Fixit on an alien
wessel. Trip says that's sort of like asking if he enjoys
breathing.
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Two raisin-faced aliens, one of whom sounds
similar to Zobral
(which should have been a warning right there), greet the
Big Three at the airlock. One asks for a bath and the other
brings Trip into their wessel to fix their "passenger's"
malfunctioning stasis pod. They claim they need to keep her
in stasis because they don't have the resources for her to
eat and breathe. In their surprisingly heated and oxygenated
cargo hold, Raisin the Lesser introduces him to the pod. (Trip,
pod. Pod, Trip.) Trip checks over the machinery, then scrapes
frost off the window. Sorry, this isn't Voyager and
that's not B'Elanna.
It's not even Tom.
Hell, it's not even a Vaadwaur.
(Fortunately, it's also not Khan.)
After eyeballing the mannequin, Trip says he needs to go fetch
some tools and a Hoshionary so he can read the buttons.
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Upon their return, Hoshi catches him staring
at Miss Fish
Stick again. (He should have savored the silence while
he could.) She teases him, hands him a UT, and leaves. But
as he's working, something goes kerflooey, and the sleeper
wakes. Screaming. An alarm sounds in Raisin Zobral's pocket.
He excuses himself from dinner and hurries to his wessel.
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 Miss
Gorton's
is yowling and beating at the window. Gentleman Trip uses
the nearest crowbar to try and pop her out of her glass coffin.
Raisin Zobral, knowing far more about Sleeping Beauty than
Trip does, tries to prevent him from letting the genie out
of the bottle, but to no avail. The window eventually opens.
Trip tries to help her out. Raisin Zobral figures he'll spare
Trip the agony of listening to the oncoming caterwauling and
wallops him over the head with the crowbar. Raisin Zobral
hails Raisin the Lesser, who also tries to make a break for
it. Apparently the OCD Radiation™ really did something
for Mal, because on half an order from Archer he is all over
the guy. Despite some fast button-pushing and a brief firefight,
the Raisin ship gets away, leaving Raisin the Lesser behind
and taking Trip, Miss Defrosted Flake, and a bit of Enterprise's
docking clamp with it. They dump a technobabble cloud in their
wake and manage to escape.
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Trip wakes up and tries to stand. Frosty the
Snow Bitch clocks him again with the crowbar. He protests
loudly that he was trying to help, that he's not her enemy,
and for pete's sake would she quit hitting him already? She
barks more commands at him, but he can't make heads or tails
of the lingo. Trip makes some vague gestures about untying
her hands. Eventually she lets common sense and those big
blue eyes and waggling eyebrows get the better of her, but
just as he starts to set her free, Raisin Zobral runs in to
save him. I mean interrupt him.
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Gentleman Trip stands protectively in front
of Miss Fish and Chip on Her Shoulder while Raisin Zobral
tells Trip to fix the pod. She screeches at Raisin Zobral,
but his eardrums can't shrivel any further, so he's unaffected.
Trip gives the usual contractor's estimate. Raisin Zobral
tells him to get on with it and not to track construction
dust on the new carpet.
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Our boy takes the hint and flees in the other
direction. Oh wait, that's what I was hoping he had done.
Our boy whips around and starts untying his ungrateful compatriot.
She recommences carping at him. Strangely, he makes the effort
to find the UT so he can understand her. Once they're both
on the same page, he informs her that he's ditching this popsicle
stand and invites her to join him. She informs him she's Ambassador
to the government of Betazed, daughter of the Fifth House,
Holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx, and Heir to the Holy
Rings of Betazed, and she doesn't have to accept his nerf-herder
invitation. He shrugs. "Charles Tucker the third.
Pleased ta meetcha." For the record, let us note that
he does not at any time share or encourage her to use his
nickname, Trip.
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She swings titles and proprieties around for
a while as he finds an escape route, insisting on doing the
Royal Hostage thing by the rules. Apparently her rules don't
include a trip to acting school. Trip informs Her Nibs that
he's not from her fiefdom, so he doesn't have to play by her
rules. She huffs. He suggests she join him in fleeing. She
takes a good look at the butt she'd be following along the
corridors and relents.
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Crawling through the dusty ducts, Trip thinks
longingly back to the good old days with Mal
in the Stephen King
repair station. But he's stuck with this big-mouth, so
he finally asks how he should address her. I suggest "Middle
of Nowhere, Gobi Desert, Siberia" and put a Priority
Mail sticker on her. She gives her name, but he never uses
it, and I forgot it, and it wasn't that interesting anyway.
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Gentleman Trip helps her out of the tube and
she lands very close to him, in a moment which I'm sure was
supposed to indicate Opposites Attracting, but only emphasized
how much the actress looks like Olive
Oyl. They find the escape pod and sandwich into it, in
a scene slightly reminiscent of Andy Dick's EMH Mark II trying
to crawl into a Jeffries tube for the first time in "Message
in a Bottle." Only with more dress ripping and high
heels dangling.
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They eject. Trip struggles with the controls,
the language, the subspace barrier, and his temper as he
searches
for a habitable planet to land on, or at least one with an
atmosphere so he won't suffocate when he opens the door
to
boot her ass out. Working his way around the pod, which looked
a lot more spacious when it was parked, Trip has to go through
every panel and hatch in the pod to locate the correct TECH
switch to make for an acceptable landing. He finds it stuck
up her ass. Okay, he finds it in a panel under her butt,
which is just as flat as T'Pol's when Archer had to pull
a similarly awkward move in "Shadows
of P'Jem."
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They share an allegedly cute moment over the
search for food, as Trip reminisces about his first car and
parking in the moonlight with his girlfriend. What, no flashbacks?
I bet she was nicer than Baroness Anorexia, considering she
was likely from the South and all.
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At length they find something big and round
which appears to have oxygen and enough dirt to support the
pod. "Ah think Ah'm readin' this display right -- it
says 'Dagobah,'" he tells her. The entry vector is entirely
wrong -- I took a flight from Calabria to Rome once which
had that landing angle, and I thought I was on the Cyclone
-- which makes for a very rough landing.
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Empress Penguin makes a weak effort to clutch
at Trip in a move which is supposed to be dramatic, or incipiently
romantic, but looks more like she was trying to keep from
smudging her makeup or smearing her nail polish. They land
upside down.
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The next shot shows them outside in thigh-deep
water, next to the pod, which now looks more like Oscar's
trash can. I am eternally grateful to whomever made the
executive decision not to waste air time showing them struggling
out of the pod.
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They trundle through the swamp looking for a
decent campsite. Miss I'm Not Feeling So Pretty has been reduced
to going barefoot, but makes sure not to leave behind her
dainty four-inch stiletto heels. When they stop, she notes
that he's bleeding, and orders him out of his uniform. To
treat the cut.
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Connor Trinneer checks his contract, sees that
he's gone way over his allotment of non-skin episodes, and
complies. Mass swooning sweeps Trek fandom.
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Our boy carefully ties his uniform top around
his waist and sits beside Miss Suddenly Nightingale to have
his cut bandaided. Gentleman Trip even thanks her, sincerely.
Oh, but then he puts the top back on. Medics hand around the
smelling salts.
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Back at the pod they find some logs
to sit on, and Trip tries to start a fire with some TECH
from the pod. That is, he would start a fire if he could find
some kindling. Unfortunately Chakotay won't be born for a
few hundred years, and Countess McBeal won't sit still long
enough for Trip to get the oil good and hot. He orders her
to march her ass out into the swamp and find more dry wood.
She tells him to suck plasma exhaust. He proclaims himself
King of the Swamp. She takes a swing at him. He traps her
little girly swat under his arm and knocks her over.
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Somehow the kerfuffle pitches them corn-over-roe
into the swamp. Trip wins the wet T-shirt contest before they've
even stood up. They argue. The KISS NOW cue card goes up.
When she finally lets go, Trip stares at her in astonishment.
Mirabile
dictu, she shut up! Our boy doesn't need another invitation,
and promptly shoves his tongue down her throat. Silence continues
to reign. (You didn't think I was going to do another shot
of that stupid kiss, did you?)
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The next shot is of Trip's uniform and her dress
draped over a log. They're spooned together on the other side
of the fire, the Lavender Queen in her slip and hair cascading
down in Good
Girl Gone Bad Waves of Unleashed Repression. Trip's tighty-bluesies
make their long-overdue Season 2 debut. Trip wakes up, discreetly
spits caviar, and goes for a drink of boiled water.
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The escape pod starts booping for the mothership.
"Artoo, stop that!" Trip yells, but the dumb droid
keeps calling for mama, so Trip finds a handy rock and bashes
in the homing signal. I was kinda hoping he'd whack Charlene
the Tuna too, just to make sure she stayed quiet, but
he's too much the gentleman. Shortly thereafter, someone comes
through the swamp, making the requisite noises so he can be
detected. Raisin Zobral appears, peeking around Artoo. He
sees his former captive perched docilely on a log, sucking
on a lemon, with a rather stiff blue-uniformed figure sitting
across from her. He's tempted to get while the getting is
good -- look, B&B rip off everybody; no reason they can't
throw Ruthless
People into the mix -- but in the end he figures he'll
make more off the ransom, so he shoots the uniform.
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Poor Trip; even his uniform takes a beating
-- and he doesn't even have to be in it! The coconut head
rolls off the dummy as it topples over and Miss Swamp Thang
runs away.
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Raisin Zobral stalks forward. Trip is waiting
above on a handy tree branch. He Tarzans onto Raisin Zobral
and they roll into the swamp. Mercifully, even though punches
are again exchanged, Raisin Zobral doesn't try to kiss
Trip. He does, however, shove Trip so he falls and hits his
head against a rock.
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He follows up on the advantage and tries to
hold Trip's head underwater. Miss Blunt Object finally puts
her one talent to use and clobbers Raisin Zobral with a handy
tire iron. Or maybe it was the script.
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Trip staggers out of the water and drags the
poor sod onto the bank, then tells Miss Sluggo to help him
look for the guy's weapon in the shallows. As they flounder
around, Archer, T'Pol, and Malcolm come through the brush,
phase pistols at the ready. Everyone gets a good look at Trip's
tighty-bluesies before Archer can manage to stop sniggering
long enough to make a cutting quip. Mal smirks in the background.
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