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THE SHORT VERSION: Paramount owns
Star Trek and everything to do with it. I make no money off
this site; it's just for fun. For more details, read the long
version. Live long and prosper.
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Archer befriends a Cardboardus
Stereotypicant captain with a bum ship. In gratitude for
the repairs, the captain invites Archer for dinner on his
home planet of Melodramatia. The captain wants Trip to join
him. The thing is, Melodramatia is mostly desert, which Trip
hates (I can totally sympathize), and frankly he was a little
too close to Archer two
episodes ago and could use some space. But Cap'n talks
him into a second date, assuring him that there'll be plenty
of Sterotypicants around to act as chaperones and he'll be
a perfect gentleman, honest.
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Dinner is a little nervous but mostly pleasant,
until the Stereotypicant captain reveals that they're eating
Chopped Rocky
Mountain Oyster Soup. Trip either has to spit or swallow.
(Kudos to Trinneer here; the look on his face as he discreetly
struggles with his food is priceless.)
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Before they've even had a chance to digest,
or vomit, the Stereotypicant captain corrals them into a game
of geskana, which is a combination of Quidditch
and lacrosse.
It's very athletic, and both our boys strip to the waist in
the tremendous heat. Which is fine for attracting that Key
Viewer Demographic, but really murderous on starship-pale
skin.
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Play is rough -- Archer gets whacked around
and Trip is flipped ass-over-teakettle by enthusiastic Stereotypicants.
Trip even switches to videotape for a second or two to try
and improve their luck, but their side is definitely losing.
T'Pol hails Archer with a political warning
from the Antagonist Party on other half of the planet.The
Stereotypicant captain rails and flails and wails his tale,
asking Archer's help in preventing more rhymes. The Antagonist
Air Force beats him to it and starts shelling the Stereotypicant
compound.
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Trip and Archer have to hide underground in
a none-too-sturdy bunker, where they get bonk-bonked
on the head by falling rocks and beams and Plot Contrivance
fragments. Trip says he thinks he's cracked a few ribs, tells
Cap'n "never
get involved in a land war in Asia," and convinces
him to leave. Sound move. However, Archer decides to raid
the shuttlepod for supplies and then set out across the open
desert rather than actually fly away to safety. The man is
desperate to get Trip alone -- T'Pol might have been right
about the crew needing shore leave on Risa.
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(The photo that launched a website!)
Trip and Archer wander across the desert at
the Melodramatic equivalent of high noon like two cartoon
characters. Trip points out that they should be traveling
at night, or at least not on the tops of ridges where they
make easy pickins. Archer pooh-poohs him. A sound in the distance
turns out to be an Antagonist bomber, causing more pooh.
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The boys bury themselves in the sand like overachieving
ostriches to avoid detection. Now Trip's got sand down his
shorts. And every other place. (Sorry, the Star Wars
jokes have all been done by other reviewers. I can't do any
without plagarizing.)
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Water runs out shortly. Trip collapses, dehydrated,
and starts to hallucinate -- complaining of the cold, admiring
the colors, and accepting a commendation for his service as
the ECH.
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Archer threatens to put out Trip's lights if
he doesn't drink the little water which is left. He finally
sucks down whatever drops remain, but sweats it all out within
a few minutes. They continue to head, um, second dune to the
right and straight on until sunset, or wherever it is Archer
thinks they're going.
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After several more hours of staggering through
scorching heat and barren shelterless waste, they find an
abandoned compound. Archer dumps Trip on the floor to go search
for water. There's a keg of the stuff, but it's not really
drinkable; the captain has to boil it and strain
it through Hogan's shirt first. Even then it's pretty
foul. Trip spews the first mouthful back out before forcing
himself to keep the next sip down.
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After a day like that, all our poor boy wants
is some rest. Archer's gotta get cute and play word games
with him (and then has the gall to complain when Trip, stoned
with heatstroke, beats him anyway).
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The Antagonists figure out where Archer and
Trip are before Malcolm and Enterprise can, and begin
long-range bombardment. More falling debris and flying rafters
ensue. Fortunately our boys keep their hands and feet inside
the ride at all times, and only suffer a fresh coating of
sand. Frankly, that's bad enough.
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Archer grabs Trip and hurries him out into open
desert again. At least it's night this time. At the sound
of another flying vehicle, Archer valiantly flings Trip into
the dirt and tries to protect him by lying on top of him (at
least, that's what he tells Trip later in Sickbay). It turns
out to be a shuttlepod with the rescue team from Enterprise.
T'Pol waters them both down and hands out the gallon jugs
of Noxzema
as they zoom off to safety. No one points out, however, that
the shuttlepod Trip and Archer arrived in has been abandoned
near the Stereotypicant camp, undamaged and jammed with technology.
Good thing it wasn't a
book on Chicago Mobs of the Twenties, or a
history of Nazi Germany, or anything really dangerous.
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Photos: StarTrek.com, TrekConnection.com
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