|
 Archer:
Look! Up in the sky!
Trip: It's a bird!
Archer: It's a plane!
Trip: It's Gene Roddenberry's ashes orbiting the earth
in a lipstick-sized capsule!
Archer: It's a stealth bomber!
Trip: It's the shattered remains of UPN burnin' up
in the atmosphere!
Archer: It's a Concorde!
Trip: It's the ugliest weather balloon in creation!
Archer: It's a Fokker!
Trip: Captain!
Archer: No, no, that's a type of German aircraft.
Trip: Oh, all right. Uh, it's the, it's, uh, it's a
communications satellite!
Archer: You know, there are a lot more plane-things
than non-plane things.
Trip: Are you givin' up?
Archer: Not at all!
Trip: So, it's your turn.
Archer: It's a hang-glider!
Trip: It's a pterodactyl!
Archer: A what?! Dinosaurs are extinct!
Trip: You never said it had to be somethin' viable.
Archer: Fine, fine. It's a... helicopter!
Trip: It's a dragon!
Archer: It's an F-16!
Trip: It's a Florida mosquito!
Archer: They grow that big in Florida?
Trip: Palmetto mosquitoes. They make the Palmetto bugs
look like fleas.
Archer: You're just making stuff up now.
Trip: So what? It's your turn.
(evay)
Trip: That is the biggest sand castle
Ah have ever seen.
Archer: Well, Vulcan is mostly desert. They've had
lots of material to practice with.
Trip: Yeah, but -- the Taj Mahal, life-size?
Archer: Even Vulcan monks get bored once in a while.
(evay)
Archer: Okay, okay, wait -- it's left,
left, turn, dip, right, left --
Trip: Cap'n, wouldja just admit you can't dance?
Archer: Yes I can! I'm just not used to following instructions
written on a sign instead of on the floor.
Trip: Forget it. Ah'll enter the contest with Malcolm.
Archer: Aw, c'mon, Trip! Give me another chance!
Trip: Okay, but if you step on my feet again, that's
it. Malcolm already knows the foxtrot. We just gotta learn
the Andorian Shuffle and then we'll
have the whole program.
(evay, getting lots of mileage out of Tripper's caption)
...Archer: It's a Lear jet!
Trip: It's the Silver Surfer!
Archer: It's a C-130!
Trip: It's Rocky the Flying Squirrel!
Archer: Flying squirrels aren't that big.
Trip: He is if it's the float from Macy's Thanksgiving
Day Parade which got loose in a high wind.
Archer: You're really stretching, Trip.
Trip: Give up yet?
Archer: No! It's, uh, it's a Boeing Airbus!
Trip: It's a frisbee!
Archer: It's a hydrofoil!
Trip: It's a cherubim!
Archer: "Cherub." Cherubim is plural.
Trip: Not Proginoskes from A
Wind in the Door.
Archer: Trip!
Trip: What? It's a literary classic!
(evay)
Archer: This was your brilliant idea
of a backup system if communications went down on the shuttlepod?
Trip: Well, yeah.
Archer: There seems to be a fundamental problem.
Trip: Noticed that, did ya?
Archer: Yes, I did. We can read whatever they skywrite,
but we have no way to respond!
Trip: "Where are you?" is a valid question.
Archer: And how do you propose we answer it?
Trip: We can scratch out the word "Here"
in big letters in that sand dune. Malcolm will spot it and
have us out of here in no time.
Archer: How do you know it's Malcolm in the shuttlepod?
Trip: It's those uptight proper manners of his. He's
the only one Ah know who would put an RSVP after "Where
are you?"
(Kathy Rose)
Trip: Is that it, Captain?
Archer: I seriously hope that wasn't the series finale.
(Hildwyn)
Archer: It's the Spruce Goose!
Trip: It's a box kite!
Archer: It's a crop-duster!
Trip: It's a parasailer!
Archer: It's Skylab!
Trip: That fell apart.
Archer: It's a very large piece of Skylab.
Trip: Ehhhh okay, Ah'll give ya that one.
(evay)
Trip: "Ah don't like sand. It's
coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere."
Archer: Please, not that. Meesa don't want to
hear anything from that movie.
Trip: How about from Dune?
Archer: I sense a theme here.
Trip: Ah think Gurney in the Dune movie would
make a fine captain of a future Enterprise, don't
you?
Archer: Why don't you make that so then?
(Hildwyn, who wins today's Cross-Franchises Award)
A bird?...A plane?...no, it's Malcolm!
(anonymous)
Trip: Ah can't believe they built
a dang Starbucks here!
Archer: And I can't believe I forgot my Starbucks card.
(Robert Mueller)
Trip: It's Icarus!
Archer: It's the Wright Brothers!
Trip: It's the whale from Hitchhiker's Guide to
the Galaxy!
Archer: Well, that's more of a "falling"
than a "flying," but okay. It's a Cessna!
Trip: It's Buzz Lightyear!
Archer: Now c'mon, even Buzz admitted he wasn't actually
flying!
Trip: So the whale's okay but Buzz isn't? Toonist.
Archer: What?! That's not even a word!
Trip: You're prejudiced against cartoons!
Archer: Oh, for the love of -- okay, fine, it counts.
(evay)
Trip: But why not "Staring at the
sun" ? Ah don't get it, Cap'n.
Archer: The Offspring one was better. Trust me on this,
Trip.
Trip: Yeah, yeah, all right, go ahead.
Archer (singing): "You don't know how you got
here, you just know you want out -- believing in yourself,
almost as much as you doubt..."
Trip (to himself): Ah just hope Malcolm gets me outta
here before the Cap'n gets to the chorus.
(The practice of using U2 songs as marching music was abandoned
shortly afterwards. Marching to "Vertigo" required
spinning in circles, which tended to upset the troops and
damage morale.)
(Robert Mueller)
Trip: Are you pondering what Ah'm
pondering, Cap'n ?
Archer: I think so, Trip, but it's a rock monster.
It doesn't have motivation.
(Robert Mueller)
Archer: Uh oh! Trip, is that what I think...?
Trip: That's the BIGGEST damn bird Ah've ever
seen!
Archer: It's got us in its sights and heading
this way! And we've got nowhere to hide from it.
Trip: Cap'n? What're those weird markings on it? Almost
looks like English letters...It looks like...
Archer: Run, Trip! Those markings ARE letters. They
say UPN! RUN!
Trip: Ah can't believe it! That sonofabitching thang
is getting ready to drop a HUGE load on us! Arrhhhhhhh!
(Sandy)
Archer: It's our Nielsen ratings!
(taynaron)
Trip: Maybe from first season. After "A Night
in Sickbay," they never got very high again.
Archer: That was so totally not my fault.
Trip: No, of course not. You just got the script, you
didn't write it.
Archer: Do I get credit for that one?
Trip: Oh, all right, since you gave me Buzz Lightyear.
(evay)
In order to save money on effects, Enterprise
cast members were required to look dumbfounded in a variety
of settings and conditions to be used as stock footage.
(taynaron, who wins today's "Why Didn't I Think of That
Myself?" Award)
Trip: Why's Shuttlepod One flyin' that
way? Is Travis drunk?
Archer: I think Hoshi's at the helm.
Trip: Why would Hoshi be flying a rescue mission?
Archer: Truthfully, I've always suspected her of looking
for an opportunity to off me. I think she wants my job.
Trip: She's headed right for us!
Archer: Quick. Let's go this way.
Trip: Hell, no. Leggo ma arm. YOU go that way. Ah'm
gettin' as far away from you as Ah can.
(Tripper)
Trip: Is that a hologram or a mirage?
Archer: Neither. It's our future flashing before our
eyes.
Trip: Yer tellin' me all THAT s&%t is gonna happen
to me?
Archer: Come on, this way. If we don't let them find
us this time, maybe we can change it.
(Tripper)
Archer: What the --
Trip: Did YOU know Phlox could jump like that?
Archer: No. But when we get back I'm going to tell
the Stanford coach he should seriously consider recruiting
from Denobula.
(Tripper)
Trip: It's an albatross!
Archer: It's a booster rocket!
Trip: It's the Flying Nun!
Archer: It's the Flying Dutchman!
Trip: That was actually a sailing ship.
Archer: Damn, okay, uh, it's a Flying Tiger!
Trip: It's a flying fish!
Archer: Do those make it into the air?
Trip: Eh, it's kinda "leaping with style."
But yeah, they get outta the water and glide a little.
Archer: Wow, the things you learn.
(evay)
They said something about a rescue ship... but
not a space liner, right?
(Jason Argo)
Archer: It's hardly what one would call
a scientific method...
Trip: Yeah, Ah bet T'Pol would raise her eyebrows and
say it's illogical...
Archer: ... but those are definitely thunderstorm clouds
forming!
Trip: Okay, we did "Singing in the Rain"
and "Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head" -- what
else?
Archer: Um, "I Wish It Would Rain Down"?
Trip: Ah don't know that one!
Archer: I'll start, you jump in on the chorus.
Trip: Just don't mention "Walkin' in a Winter
Wonderland" or it'll dump a blizzard on us.
Archer: We're Starfleet officers. I can't believe we're
doing this.
Trip: I'll humina right, you humina left. And don't
forget to bob your head on the fourth "humina" or
we'll get hail.
Archer: Isn't there a better way to get the natives
to trade for injectors than a rain dance?
Trip: Says the man who did the chainsaw ritual for
the Kreetassans.
Archer: I said, that episode was so totally
not my fault.
(Rosmirafedele and evay)
Trip: Ah can't believe it! Is that...?
Archer: Oh my God! It's Malcolm sky-diving!
Trip: And we didn't even do "It's Raining Men."
(Kathy Rose, who wins today's "Boy, I Really Should
Have Thought of That Myself" Award)
At nearly the same instant, Trip and Archer
realized that while Phlox had previously shown off his ability
to puff up his face, he had neglected to mention that he could
do so large enough to become a hot air balloon.
(taynaron)
Mile after mile they trudged. The going
was hard, but they kept at it. The sun, the wind, the heat
-- all the obstacles of the desert were in full force against
the two men...and ignored. They had to keep going. They would
not, could not, turn back. Ahead lay possible death. Behind?
Phlox in a Speedo.
(rainwoman)
Archer: Here comes the shuttlecraft.
We'll get you right to Sickbay to have your paralyzing constipation
cured.
Trip: Urkkhhh!
(two7sclash)
Just then, they realized their folly: they had
wished for the world's biggest ice-cream sundae, but not for
a spoon.
(rainwoman)
Archer: It's a dirigible!
Trip: It's Monty Python's Flying Circus!
Archer: What is the airspeed velocity of an
unladen swallow?
Trip: African or European?
Archer: We're in the desert, so African.
Trip: About 10 or 11 meters per second.
Archer: How the hell do you know that?
Trip: You're the pilot -- you figure it out.
(evay)
Archer: Is that....? Do you see...?
Trip: Nah. Can't be. Must be the heat. Or we just got
hit too hard in that last Geskana match.
Archer: But I'm pretty sure it is.
Trip: What would the Statue of Liberty be doing in
the Cygniai Expanse?
(Tripper, who wins today's Cross-Franchise Award)
Archer: Is
it a bird? Is it a plane?
Trip: No, it's Mal riding a torpedo!
(Jenni Bull)
Once again, Archer's plans to get to Risa were
sidetracked by a "little" problem.
(taynaron)
Archer: It's
SpaceShip One going for the Ansari X prize!
Trip: It's an eagle owl!
Archer: Well, which one is it?
Trip: No, it's one bird. They're enormous. They can
take down a deer.
Archer: Oooookay, Dr. Doolittle. Uh, it's a MedEvac!
Trip: It's the Pyrithian bat!
Archer: Oh, hell, how did she get out of Sickbay?
Trip: Call Hoshi and see if she'll do that Snow White
thing again.
Archer: You know, I think you're just looking for excuses
to bring that damn episode up.
(evay)
Archer: That one. I'm sure we parked
the shuttlepod behind that dune on the left.
Trip: Damn. Ah knew we should've written it down.
(Tripper)
Archer: There's another one! You circle
it to the right. I'll go around to the left.
Trip: Ah'm all for gettin' T'Pol somethin' for her
birthday, but Ah can think of a helluva lot of easier things.
Archer: No. A baby sehlat is the perfect gift. I won't
settle for less. Now let's not miss this one like we did the
last nine, okay?
(Tripper)
Trip: What are those supposed to be...
goats? sheep? Tyrannosuarus Rex? They're huge!
Archer: The local version of cattle, I think. Beef.
Trip: With all due respect, Cap'n, Ah'll let you enjoy
these people's hospitality alone this time. Ah'll just take
a stroll on this wonderful beach -- still have to digest,
uh, breakfast. Yeah. And last night's dinner. You know how
heavy Chef's shepherd's pie is.
Archer: No way, Commander. We're in this together,
remember?
Trip: Well, next time take Phlox with you. He actually
likes to embrace new cultures, especially when it comes to
their cuisine.
Archer: I wonder if there'll be chunks in the soup
this time.
(Rosmirafedele)
Trip: Err, why's the shuttlepod taking
off? Aren't they forgetting something?
Archer: Well, Travis is concentrating on flying, and
Hoshi must've gotten distracted. They'll realize their mistake
soon enough.
Trip: Yeah. Any minute now. {watches it leave orbit}
Archer (under his breath): Why the little...
Trip: You let them watch those Mirror Universe episodes,
didn't you.
(Kelly)
As large as this planet's moon was, Archer
and Trip should have known the waves crashing on this planet's
beaches would be something best avoided. Soon after encountering
the mega ultra gigunda tremendous gihugic enormous "high"
tide, Archer reconsidered his affection for water polo.
(taynaron)
Archer: It's
a Saturn V!
Trip: It's Dumbo!
Archer: It's a Mustang!
Trip: It's Tweety Bird!
Archer: On steroids?
Trip: Big-screen TV.
Archer: Oh, all right -- it's the Memphis Belle!
Trip: It's the Flying Elvi!
Archer: Okay, we're going to take a break and find
you some shade and water.
Trip: You're just looking for an excuse to distract
me so you can dig up your History of Aviation book.
(evay)
Trip: Cap'n, when Ah said move your hand
or lose it, I meant move it completely off me.
(Hildwyn)
Archer: God, I hate UPN.
(evay)
Trip: Cap'n, Ah --
Archer: Shhh! Don't move, don't say anything -- you'll
ruin my Kirk moment.
Trip: Ah've seen more action than you, Cap'n.
Archer: That does it! See if I care at your funeral.
(Hildwyn)
Archer: Trip, what is that?
Trip: Cap'n -- Ah think it's -- it's...
Archer: Well, what is it?
Trip: Ah don't know. But Ah don't want to admit that.
So, Ah'm guessin' it's something Ah've never seen before.
Archer: And I hope never to see it again.
(Hawkeye, who wins today's Purple Cow Award)
Trip: Geez, those ratings are plummeting
fast!!
Archer: Yeah, and look right behind it: the fireball
that was UPN.
(Laughing Muse)
Archer: Why is that sand dune undulating
like that?
Trip: Uh-oh. Ever seen Tremors?
Archer: Uh-huh. And not a telephone pole or big rock
in sight.
(Kathy Rose)
Archer: Okay, what is it now?
Trip: Peter Pan!
Archer: Back into the shade with you for another 15
minutes.
Trip: Still looking for your Boeing encyclopedia?
(evay)
In a desperate attempt to increase ratings, Enterprise was forced to rely
on franchise crossovers. This week: A standard first contact situation goes awry
when Archer and Trip get lost in the desert without their stillsuits and accidentally
summon a Worm. At the same time, T'Pol falls back into drug addiction, as she
discovers that the Spice must flow. Into her bloodstream.
(taynaron, with another Dune reference)
Archer: Is that a big metal ring?
Trip: Looks like it has water in the middle? Yeah.
Archer: Damn...we must've taken a wrong turn and wound
up on Stargate SG1's set again.
Trip: Ah TOLD you...a RIGHT turn at Alberquerque.
(Skip)
Connor Trinneer (singing): "Movin'
right along, oh L.A. where have you gone? Someone come and
fetch us, we're in Saskatchewan!"
Scott Bakula: No, no, we're going to Vancover.
Trinneer: Why Vancouver? They're not auditioning right
now.
Bakula: Yeah, but if we hang around long enough, we'll
have to get picked up for something, and that's
where all the other cool shows are being filmed.
(Tripper)
Archer: Do you think it means anything that
as Malcolm was waving goodbye he was putting on an additional
two pips on his uniform?
(PJ in NH)
Trip: Nah. He'd never mutiny and take over the ship without me.
(evay)
Trip: I'd give anything to be back on Enterprise...
Archer: Anything?
Trip: Hell, Ah'd even watch water polo with you anytime
without complainin'.
Archer {flipping open communicator}: Two to beam up, Mister
Reed.
Trip: Sonofabitch!
(andrea)
Archer: ...Um...
Trip: {sighs}
Archer: ...It's the spectre of cancellation!
Trip: Cap'n, we've known that was coming for
a while.
Archer: Am I losing my edge?
Trip: We've been at this for hours now.
Archer: ...but I'm on a roll...
Trip: Don'cha think we oughta get goin'? It's not gettin'
any cooler out here.
Archer: It's a movie theater that isn't playing
Episode III 24/7!
Trip: OK, I've had enough. It's Phlox and his
entire family in thongs. With T'Pol in a muu-muu.
Archer: ...Great. Now I'm blind.
Trip: Dammit, can't you just scream like Kirk? It's
gonna take two episodes to get over your vision problem.
Archer: Yeah, but it adds to the dramatic tension.
Trip: Easy for you to say...you're not the one who
has to get beat up every week.
Archer: {looks intently}
Trip: {does the same}
Archer: A buncha...wooden crosses...
Trip: People...singing..."Always Look on the Bright
Side of Life."
Archer: We are so outta here.
(xeyes)
Superman: I wonder how long it's going to take
for them to recognize me.
(rainwoman)
 Phlox:
Lieutenant, I hardly think this is necessary.
Malcolm: Doctor, you told me your space
snipe had gotten loose here in the Cargo Bay. Commander
Tucker and I were unable to locate it. Your assistance is
quite necessary if I'm to find the creature before it injures
one of the crew.
Phlox: Well, you know, about the snipe -- it's really
not all that dangerous --
Malcolm: "Not all that dangerous"? You said
it had a meter-wide jawspan, venomous talons, and a spiked
tail, and breathed cyanide gas!
Phlox: Did I say that? I meant it smelled like
cyanide gas. Like bitter almonds, hmm?
Malcolm: Well, that's a relief. But someone could still
be bitten, clawed, or stabbed. We have to find it as soon
as possible.
Phlox: I...might have exaggerated just a bit
--
Malcolm: I've already taken your habitual hyperbole
into account, Doctor. In any case, I req--wait -- what was
that?
Phlox: Oh, probably the quartermaster looking for some
WD-40. You know, Mister Reed, the...space snipe tends to,
uh, it hibernates when the food supply runs low, yes? And
it can, it cloaks itself so it can hibernate safely, so it
isn't really necessary for us to --
Malcolm: A sleeping invisible monster hiding in my
Cargo Bay, waiting for someone to stumble over it and become
lunch? Not on my watch! We're going to search every
centimeter of this room, Doctor, and we're going to open every
canister, crate, bag, and box until we find it. And if we
don't, we're going to start over again from the beginning.
Phlox: I can see this is going to be a long
afternoon.
(evay)
Phlox: Just remember, Mister Reed, that
you promised me a position on your new vessel if I assisted
you in your mutiny.
Malcolm: Of course. Now, when they come in, you shout
something to distract the captain. I'll take out T'Pol. O'Cuire
will mop up.
Phlox: Any suggestions on what I should be making a
fuss about?
Malcolm: Oh, make something up. Tell him the dog has
developed eructative gingivitis.
Phlox: Eructative gingi-- his gums are belching?
Malcolm: Really, Doctor, do you think he'll know the
difference? The moment he hears "Porthos" his IQ
sinks below room temperature.
Phlox: True. But what about her?
Malcolm: Hm, that's true -- she will know it's
a ruse. All right, don't be too specific, just yell something
about the dog being in trouble. That should get his attention.
Phlox: I hope you and Mister Tucker are going to run
a tighter ship than this.
Malcolm: Doctor, your Pyrithian bat could run a tighter
ship than those two. Why do you think we're staging a mutiny?
(evay)
Malcolm: Steady, Doctor. I'll have you
out of here shortly.
Phlox: I didn't think the Commander really meant it
when he said he was "gonna kill the sonofabitch who et
the last slice of key lime pie."
Malcolm: I'm afraid that's partly my fault. I finished
the pecan. When the key lime went missing,
it must have sent him over the edge.
Phlox: Couldn't we just make another pie?
Malcolm: Certainly! I'll just whip my EZ-Bake Oven
out of my trouser pocket and use the limes growing in my --
Phlox: All right, all right, no need to get testy.
(evay)
Phlox (whispering): Lieutenant, why don't
you stand up and fire?
Malcolm (whispering): Because he didn't say "Simon
Says"!
(evay)
While many of the senior staff loved the captain's
weekly "hide and seek" games, most of them resented
Reed stealing their best hiding spots.
(taynaron)
Malcom: Porthos goes missing for weeks
on end, and suddenly Chef wants me to test his chili -- or
else? There may be nowhere to hide from the Chef, but I have
to try! Why are you here?
Phlox: The Captain came into sickbay asking about Porthos's
whereabouts and I started having flashbacks from "A Night
in Sickbay." I'm hiding until I'm sure there's no chance
of a sequel.
Malcom: Trust me. If Porthos is where I think he is,
you won't have to worry about treating him any more.
(taynaron)
Phlox: I know I suggested some extracurricular
activities would help boost crew morale, but this wasn't what
I had in mind, Lieutenant.
Reed: It was a good idea, Doctor. I just tweaked it
and made it better. Not only is this activity fun, but it
has practical applications for training the senior staff in
self-defense.
Phlox: I understand that, Lieutenant, but don't you
think using a phase pistol on the last man out is a bit extreme?
Reed: The training won't do any good if the senior
staff doesn't take it seriously.
Phlox: A valid point. However, shouldn't you take the
pistol off the 'kill' setting?
Reed: That's to boost my morale. The current
last man out is the Captain.
(Kathy Rose)
Phlox (sotto voce): Lieutenant, I don't
understand the point of this game
Malcolm (whispering): It's called "Laser Tag,"
and if you keep talking, Commander Tucker will win, and we'll
have to watch his bloody sci-fi movies for the next three
weeks.
(mdtripfan)
Malcolm: I think we've cornered him.
Phlox: We really should be wearing EV suits, Lieutenant.
The gas can be quite potent.
Malcolm: There's no time for that now. We've got to
neutralise him before any more crewmen are hurt.
Phlox: Indeed, he already got three unsuspecting Engineering
staff, and two of the Bridge crew.
Malcolm: And that's not counting any poor sods he met
in the halls along the way.
Phlox: It would seem the benefits outweigh the dangers.
I must commend your bravery, Mister Reed, in risking yourself
for the crew.
Malcolm: Thank you, Doctor, but I'm just doing my job.
When this is over, remind me to shoot the Captain.
Phlox: Of course.
Malcolm: And to put a lock-down on all cheese products.
Phlox: Indeed. Good luck.
Malcolm: Thank you. Here it goes. You're going down,
Porthos! You're going down!
(Jenni Bull)
Phlox: I knew it! She's outwitting you,
Lieutenant, admit it!
Reed: No bloody way is she going to outwit a Reed!
Phlox: Now now, Mister Reed, you shouldn't let your
male ego cloud your judgement. She is simply very smart --
that much is obvious.
Reed: I'll let you know, Doctor, that in my last shooting
practice I got nearly a perfect score. So don't give up on
me so soon.
Phlox: This has nothing to do with your excellent marksmanship,
Lieutenant. She's just a clever little devil!
Reed: Well, she's about to find out that Reeds don't
give up so easily. Now be quiet and let me concentrate. If
you keep chattering I might forget that this is a rescue mission
and 'accidentally' set the pistol to kill.
Phlox: You wouldn't dare! You're the one crew member
who's most benefited from my Pyrithian bat's beneficial properties...
(Rosimirafedele)
Er...you wanted me to put this where?
(RoaringMice)
Reed: But you distinctly said "Stoop
under and shoot"!
Phlox: I said "Look under your shoe," Lieutenant.
I believe the Captain gave Porthos too much brie.
(Rosimirafedele)
Malcolm: What were you thinking, giving
the Captain a laxative instead of an analgesic?
Phlox: As I recall, you humans do similar things for
"April Fool's Day." I simply wanted to take part
in this custom. Besides, I believe I wasn't the only one to
have a little April Fool's fun.
Malcolm: Perhaps I did change the Tactical Alert siren
to something a little more catchy, but --
Phlox: But what? What did you expect would happen the
first time the Captain heard "Archer will kill us all"
during a Tactical Alert?
(taynaron)
What, my underwear's showing? How embarrassing!
(Carolyn)
Malcolm: What's our status?
Trip: Our oxygen is running low, your phaser-bomb is
about to explode, Enterprise just warped off after
the Andorians, the artificial gravity is out, and I had fried
onions and garlic with Limburger for lunch and forgot to brush
my teeth.
Malcolm: Is there any good news?
Trip: Yeah, Ah just saved 15% on my car insurance with
Geico!
(evay)
Malcolm: If you start talking about Hopalong
Cassidy again, I'm going to save everyone the trouble and
clock you myself.
Trip: Jeez, ya get possessed once and nobody
ever lets you forget it.
(evay)
Trip: Okay, do ya believe me now?
Malcolm: Fine, yes, you were correct. I just can't
believe the Andorians would lock us in the cargo hold for
getting the steps to the Andorian Shuffle
incorrect.
Trip: Hoshi did warn us in the briefing that it was
really important to 'em.
Malcolm: Couldn't you just have explained that the
British always do things in the opposite direction of you
Yanks?
Trip: Malcolm, left is left. It doesn't matter where
you're from.
Malcolm: It's port, thankyouverymuch.
Trip: Well, if that's what you were drinkin', no wonder
you got the steps wrong!
(evay)
Trip: Okay, hold it right...there. Perfect.
Don't move.
Malcolm: I'm still not sure this is a good idea.
Trip: Ah guarantee we'll win the contest.
Malcolm: Isn't having a Christmas tree made of castoff
engine bits sufficiently creative? Are live ornaments
really necessary?
Trip: Phlox is makin' his tree outta castoff bits from
his zoo.
Malcolm: ...ugh. All right, strap me in. But no more
than two minutes out there on the hull -- you promised.
Trip: Scout's honor.
(evay)
Malcolm: This is the last time I let
you talk me into one of your practical jokes.
Trip: Ah'm sorry, Mal. But who knew giving Porthos
limburger would be THIS bad?
(mdtripfan)
Malcolm: Trip, have I ever told you that
you have beautiful eyes?
Trip: That's it, Malcolm -- you're definitely suffering
from oxygen deprivation.
(Rosmirafedele)
Trip (yelling): YOU NEED TO SHOUT! THE
COMM'S BROKEN!
Mal (yelling): YOU'RE PROUD YOUR MOM'S FROM HOBOKEN?
(rainwoman)
Malcolm: You know Phlox's lecture --
better safe than sorry.
Trip: Mal, when he said "make sure you use protection,"
Ah don't think this is what he had in mind.
(Kathy Rose)
Trip: Malcolm, face it, you're scared
half to death!
Malcolm: That may be so, but I still don't want a 'make
me feel better' hug from the captain!
(taynaron)
Malcolm: Trip, there's something I should
tell you...I was the one who ate the last piece of pecan pie
on Thursday.
Trip: Not a good idea for you to tell me that here,
Malcolm.
Malcolm: Why's that?
Trip (smiles evilly): No witnesses...
(Jen)
Trip: This is it! The chance we've been
waiting for. Ah can't believe our luck.
Malcolm: We have been dreaming about having
our own ship for four years now. But are you certain? You
know there'll be no turning back.
Trip: Are you kiddin'?! This baby is an engineer's
dream. With a little tinkering, Ah can have it chameleon into
anything -- anything at all. We'll look like an asteroid or
a moon orbiting that planet down there. Cap'n'll never know
what happened to us. The universe'll be our playground.
Malcolm: Give me free reign of the weapons systems
and call me "My Number One" and you've got a deal!
(Tripper, who wins today's "Why Didn't I Think of That
Myself?" Award)
Buddhism is a widely practiced on the NX-01
-- after all, illumination is only a spacesuit away.
(Robert Mueller)
Malcolm: It's happening again! That light-bulb-thing's
glowing over your head. It's getting really big this time.
You're having another flash of brilliance, aren't you?
(Tripper)
Trip: Ah notice there's a glow on both sides
of your head, Malcolm. Does that mean the light's shining
right through it?
(evay)
KITCHEN CATASTROPHE
Trip: Look, Malcolm, Ah just have to plug the auxiliary
power unit into the circuit.
Malcolm: Commander, you told me that two hours ago
and I just don't see how this is going to work!
Trip: Trust me -- this time it'll work for sure.
Malcolm: Nothing is for sure but death and taxes.
Trip: Don't be so damn pessimistic!
Malcolm: Pessimistic? You tried to get the unit
online since 2000 hours and our shift is starting in thirty
minutes! We've lost life support, computer access and lights,
the plasma is overheating, there are regular power outages
on B-Deck, Chef is going to be here any minute, and I don't
see your 'Grande Andorian Mudcrap Frying Machine' working.
Trip: Ah know someone who is not going to get his regular
dish of fish and chips. Perhaps Ah should've asked somebody
from the Andorian Imperial Guard to install this kitchen appliance
-- somebody who's got the guts to pull this through.
Malcolm: Perhaps you should have read the manual first.
Trip: It's in Andorian!
Malcolm: Let's use the universal translator.
Trip: It won't work. The computer's offline -- the
handheld translator won't help us without the database!
Malcolm: All right, I'll go wake Hoshi.
Trip: No you don't. If she finds out the whole ship
is going to know! We wanted it to be a surprise, remember?
Malcolm: Well, there's going to be one hell of of surprise
when the ravenous crew stages a mutiny! And as the ship's
security officer I am not amused by that particular scenario.
Trip: On second thought, get Hoshi and get her fast.
But give her time to dress.
Malcolm: Commander, I am a gentleman.
Trip: Hoshi says something different.
Malcolm: Hoshi talks too much!
(logan3333)
Malcolm: I know the Captain won't let
you use the cargo bay or the mess hall to build a home theater,
but don't you think installing a drive-in-sized screen on
the hull is pushing it just a bit?
Trip: It'll work great. The surround sound is amazing
when it's pumped into these helmets.
Malcolm: And how did you plan for the audience to enjoy
their popcorn whilst wearing EV suits?
(Tripper)
Trip: So why did Phlox send us down
here again?
Malcolm: I believe he wanted us to capture his space
snipe. He neglected to tell me what it looks like... and I
don't think they show up on our scans.
(taynaron)
The Giorgio Armani Winter 2154 collection features
some stunning new looks. Here, Jon shows off what every discriminating
barbarian will be wearing this December, the targ-fur cape
with feathered collar.
Walking stick: cr250, Macy's; leggings: cr65,
Today's Man; boots: cr250, L.L.Bean. Hair by Rocco of Vinny
Venditti's. Makeup by some cute guy who stopped by on the
way to the JAG set.
(evay)
Although the planned rewrite of "All Our
Yesterdays" got as far as costuming, the shortened fourth
season ultimately forced it to be cut.
(evay)
Archer: Okay, Trip, I put the outfit
on. Now what did you want me to do?
Trip: Take it off...slowly.
Archer: How is that supposed to get us onto Project
Runway?
(evay and Archer4Trip)
Stand back -- I take large steps.
(evay, with 10 points to anyone who gets the reference)
Archer: Are you sure this will
help me bond with Porthos?
Phlox: Trust me, Captain. He needs to see you as the
leader of his pack.
Archer: Well, if you say so...
Phlox: If you want to improve discipline, you must
speak to him on his own level. Now, get down on your hands
and knees, and bark.
Archer: And what?!
Phlox: "Bark." I believe that's the onomatopoeia
you humans use for the vocalizations of canines?
Archer: I'm supposed to bark so he'll behave?
Phlox: Yes.
Archer {muttering}: The crazy things I do for this
dog... ARF! ARF ARF BARK BARK BARK!
Phlox {whispering}: Are you getting this?
Malcolm {in Phlox's earpiece}: Every moment. This film
is going to be priceless.
Archer: BARK BARK! ARF!
Phlox: Ah, Captain, you might wish to vary that with
a howl or two?
Archer: ARRRROOOOOOOOO.... BARK BARK!
Malcolm {in Phlox's earpiece}: Brilliant! Just brilliant!
Phlox {whispering}: I'll be expecting payment in the
morning.
Malcolm {in Phlox's earpiece}: As we agreed.
Porthos: Can somebody explain why Alpha Male has gone
nuts?
(evay)
Archer: Five hundred tribbles gave their
lives for this coat. If you care about the environment, please,
buy TribbleTogs™before they can breed back to their original
numbers.
(rainwoman)
Archer: I killed these foxes with my
bare hands and lived off their meat for months!
(rainwoman)
Soval:...ew.
(evay)
Archer: The shuttlepods are unserviceable,
the transporter is off-line, but I still doubt very much that
dressing up like an eagle is going to get me any place...
Phlox: Optimism, Captain!
(Rosmirafedele)
"Enterprise" goes REALLY
retro.
(Robert Mueller)
Scott misunderstood PETA's slogan, thinking
it was "I'd Rather Go Naked Under Fur."
(Mereope)
Why am I on Hoth? Oh, I get it. Furry Conflict.
(Robert Mueller)
The Starfleet division of the SPCA was called
in after the crew realized Porthos was missing and the captain
began sporting a "natural fur" cape.
(Kathy Rose)
I thought you liked my fur, Trip.
(Archer4Trip)
By day he's a prat, but by night he dons his
cape and becomes . . . SUPER PRAT!
(Jenni Bull)
Trip: That's it, Cap'n, that's it, hold
that pout!
Archer: Trip, how come everyone else was topless?
Trip: We voted on who we wanted topless and...not so
topless.
(Jen)
Vacuum is cold -- come prepared.
(taynaron, who wins the .Sig File Of The Week Award)
Archer: I'll have you know that for my
Eagle Scout service project, I eliminated the last of San
Francisco's vermin rat population.
Malcolm: Sir, I never meant to imply that skill in
the textile arts was funny in any way, and...
Archer: Then I took three hundred of the pelts of the
Rattus rattuses and Rattus norvegicuses, and
I made this cloak, using nothing but a bone needle and a spool
of dental floss.
Malcolm: Rattus rattus? Sir, you did make sure
there were no fleas? Didn't you?
Archer:...
Malcolm: PHLOX!
(Mereope)
Isn't Spring here YET?!!! I'm going to hunt
down every last &^%$@*groundhog if it's the last thing
I do!
(Tripper)
I can't believe not one of you wants
to play Arctic water polo with me.
(Tripper)
Scott Bakula was recently spotted practicing for the part of
"Hawk Man," just in case they do a Buck Rogers remake.
(Tripper)
The Kreetassans eventually discovered that Porthos diddled
on not just one, but ALL of their Alvera trees. In penance
for his crimes, Archer is now required to return and conduct
tribal dances every winter solstice.
(Tripper)
After reading about the Greek story of Daedalus,
Archer decides to play Icarus. Figuring that cold will counteract
heat, the captain spends some time surrounding himself and
his wings with ice before attempting to launch into flight
close to the sun.
(taynaron)
Hmmm, I wonder if it would look better if I
held my hand here, like this? Or, oooh, maybe I should hold
the sword up a bit more...I wonder if I tilted my head just
so... Maybe just a bit less? No, no. Oh, there! And my hair
would be better mussed. Yeah, that's good. Oh, now who's the
sexy captain, hmm?... Oh, uh, hi, Trip...how long have you
been standing there?
(VFlick, who gets today's LMAO Award)
Archer (over comm): I was told to dress
for Andoria, not Vulcan! Malcolm, what the hell's going on?
Malcolm: Subcommander, are you certain this new long-range
transporter is working properly? Ambassador Soval did seem
a little too eager for us to acquire the technology...
T'Pol: It is functioning perfectly, Lieutenant. But
when I gave you the coordinates I changed destination. I wish
the Captain to see that I am doing my best to conform to human
traditions. April first is coming up and I understand from
Commander Tucker that it is your custom to act somewhat...
foolishly around that date.
Phlox: Well, Subcommander, you may wish to take another
cue from Commander Tucker and have a "mishap" which
lands you in Sickbay. I may be able to give you some refuge
when the captain returns.
(Rosmirafedele)
Well, you can tell by the way we use our genes
We're the Suliban: time-travelin' schemes
Feet are fast but brains are slow
We've been kicked around since "Broken Bow"
And now it's all right, it's okay,
While you look the other way
We will cloak our faces green
And disappear into bluescreen
Whether you're a 'Fleeter or whether you're
a Praetor
You're on Enterprise, Enterprise
Feel the warp-field breakin' and Engineerin's shakin',
You're on Enterprise, Enterprise
Ah, ha, ha ha ha, Enterprise, Enterprise
Ah, ha, ha ha ha, Enterpriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise...
Well now, Silik's dead and Future Guy,
He won't talk to us -- we all wonder why
Got ugly jumpsuits, we could cope,
But then "Queer Eye" told us there's no hope
You know it's all right, it's all in fun
We'll guest-star on SG-1
Latex makes us all new men
So we'll be back to vamp again
Whether you're Orion or whether you're ship-flyin'
You're on Enterprise, Enterprise
Feel the fans a'retchin' and continuity stretchin'
You're on Enterprise, Enterprise
Ah, ha, ha ha ha, Enterprise, Enterprise
Ah, ha, ha ha ha, Enterpriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise...
(evay, with profound apologies to the Bee Gees)
Charlie's Angels 17: Charlie Scrapes the
Bottom of the Barrel
(evay)
"What do you mean the stuntmen for
Spider-Man 3 have already been hired? We were told
auditions were today!"
(evay)
Blue
Man Group experimented with a number of costume and makeup
variations before settling on the combination which made them
famous.
(evay)
Offscreen Camera Guy: You actually go
out in these things?
Suliban Group Leader: Well, what would you prefer?
Yellow spandex?
(Robert Mueller, who wins today's X-Franchise Award)
Silik and his cohorts' chameleon abilities get
stuck. Unfortunately, they were disguised in Vulcan catsuits
at the time.
(Kathy Rose)
Despite steep retailer discounts, there were
a large number of Suliban ornaments left over at the end of
the holiday season.
(evay)
We're all ready for London Fashion Week. Craggy
skin is all the rage!
(StaceyUK)
Sadly, the STV (Suliban Television Network)
adaptation of "Charlie's Angels," despite critical
acclaim, was soon canceled due to low ratings.
(Emma)
Suliban 1: Hi-yah!
Suliban 2: Ho!
Suliban 3: Ha!
(Even in the 22nd century, there are fans of "Kung Fu:
The Legend Continues.")
(rainwoman)
In response to SciFi's innovative grass-roots
marketing campaign for the new Battlestar Galactica
series, UPN launched its own task force today to coerce *cough*
convince new viewers to tune in to Star Trek: Enterprise.
"We've done them one better," an undisclosed UPN
executive was rumored to proudly boast. "They may have
feet on the street. But ours will be crawling the walls."
Soon to be seen at a mall near you.
(Tripper)
Suliban back, right:
I'm not so sure about this...
Suliban back, left: Well, it may work...
Suliban, front: It has to work. "Here we come!
Get us a fifth season or face the Cabal!"
(Rosmirafedele)
Manny Coto does a little Photoshop enhancing
to an old TOS ad to attract older viewers.
(keattrin, who wins today's LOL Award)
Trip and Chef were determined to win the three-legged
race in the Second Annual Enterprise Olympics, and
trained diligently no matter what the conditions.
(evay)
Malcolm: Ensign, stop pulling at the
back of my suit like that.
Travis: Sir, I can't help it!
Malcolm: You're making this most uncomfortable.
Travis: Like you'd notice.
Malcolm: What's that supposed to mean?
Travis: You have a wedgie all the time. Why should
it be any different because you're wearing an EV suit and
not a standard uniform?
Malcolm: And might I ask just how long you've been
studying my arse to determine that sartorial condition?
Travis: It's nothing personal, sir. I have no lines
and no real duties, so all I do is people-watch. You'd be
amazed what the Captain does when he thinks nobody's looking
at him.
Malcolm: I can't believe this.
Travis: I'm sorry, sir. I'll stop immediately.
Malcolm: No, I mean I can't believe I've had this treasure
trove of gossip and crew information right under my nose all
this time and I haven't taken advantage of it! The second
Phlox releases you we're going to have a nice long talk. I
want to know everything.
Travis: Yes sir!
(evay)
Whaddya gonna do with a drunken sailor,
Whaddya gonna do with a drunken sailor,
Whaddya gonna do with a drunken sailor,
Ear-ly in the mor-ning?
Put 'im in the brig until 'e's sober,
Put 'im in the brig until 'e's sober,
Put 'im in the brig until 'e's sober,
Ear-ly in the mor-ning!
(evay )
Starfleet encourages diversity in its ranks.
Here, the service's first set of conjoined twin officers finishes
up an away mission to gather core samples from the ice formations
on Permafrost VII.
(evay)
Travis: I'm sooooo glad we're wearing
EV suits.
Malcolm: Why's that?
Travis: You tried Chef's version of haggis before
we left, didn't you?
Malcolm: Why do you ask?
Travis: Not only is your breath fogging up your faceplate,
but it's eating through the glass. I'd just as soon not come
into contact with the fumes, thank you.
Malcolm: How do you know it's not weapons research
I'm conducting? Imagine what it could do to a hostile alien.
Now hurry up. I want to get to the shuttlepod before the glass
is breached and I have to hold my breath. God knows what will
happen to my lungs if I have to do that.
Travis: Oh, no! You're not getting in the same shuttlepod
as I am. You're walking back.
(Kathy Rose)
Trip: Cap'n, Ah'm fond of you and all,
but in a three-legged race, we're supposed to be running FORWARDS.
(VFlick)
The Interstellar Line Dancing Society scores
its first -- and only -- victory.
(Robert Mueller)
Travis: No Lieutenant, that's still
wrong! One two three, left forward, turn right and again.
Malcolm: That's exactly what I did, Ensign! Anyway,
I still doubt that the "Snow Waltz" has to be practised
in snow to learn it properly.
(Lisa Teleia)
Archer: C'mon, Trip. You know Phlox and
T'Pol are gonna beat us at the three-legged relay race if
we don't practice!
Trip: But why do we have to practice in EV suits and
gravity boots?
Archer: Because if we practiced ON the ship, they'd
know, and then they'd practice... and we'd have to practice
MORE. So let's go, three more times around the pod!
(Tripper)
Malcolm: I'm telling you, in the Andorian
Shuffle, the one on the right gets to lead.
Trip: But you're doing it wrong. First we go
to the right.
Malcolm: No. Left first. Definitely left.
Trip: RIGHT!
Malcolm: LEFT!
Trip: RIGHT, Dammit. And that's an order!
(Tripper)
Trip: Ah'm telling you, it'll be fun.
Malcolm: I don't have a good feeling about this.
Trip: Let's just give it a try.
Malcolm: I'm not sure it's wise, Commander.
Trip: Let's get a running start, then we'll do it on
three.
Malcolm: One, two, three, push off, or one, two, push
off?
Trip: Will you stop worrying?!
Malcolm: If we make it over the shuttle, how
do you know we'll come back down?
Trip: Oh, for crying out loud!
(Tripper)
Malcolm: Ensign! You heard what the Captain
said: the Vulcans are watching us. Why did you make another
bloody snowman, and one with a black eye? I'm going to have
to blow it up!
Travis: You certainly are not! That's not just a snowman,
it's a subliminal message: either you give me more lines or
that's how you'll end up!
(Rosmirafedele)
Malcolm: Damn it, Trip, why did you
volunteer us for the Annual Rigellian Three-Legged EV Suit
Race?!
Trip: How was Ah supposed to know they tied the knots
that tight?
(Emma)
Where "TripHammered" really got its
name from.
(taynaron)
Malcolm:
I'm afraid your snowball fighting technique is not up to scratch,
Commander. I'm sorry, but we'll have to train some more.
Trip: Aw, c'mon, Malcolm! It's Christmas! Tell you
what: if you forget about it Ah'll let you off the hook and
get Rostov to play Rudolph in the Christmas play.
Malcolm: Deal.
(Rosmirafedele)
Starfleet Christmas parties gone bad.
Malcolm: You stat- fist.
Travis: Nah, nah, Malcolm, yoo start feerst...
Malcolm: Ol rite, oll right... *ehem!* 'On Ent'aprise
th' Captin's rude, on Ent--'
Travis: Thass 'Greenseelves' inan it?
Malcolm: Yas, Travis, 'Green-- *hic* sleeves.'
Travis: -Kay.
Malcolm: 'On Enta'prise the Captin's rude, th'
X O's nude, and th' Doc's tattooed! The enginee-eer is rather
lewd! We air Starfleet's finest a' rovin!' --jown in nowe!
Travis: 'This, this is Enterprise! All a' this
an' Hoshi's thighs! Hail, hail and hit warp Fi-iive, we'll
all get ta' Risa by mornin'!'
Malcolm: Ha-haaaahahah!
Travis: Hooo, whoo! *Herk* oh god, my head...
Malcolm: A luvly sentament...
(bat400)
Malcolm: Do
you remember Florida, Trip? It's almost spring. You told me
about it once. The birds coming back from up North, your mother's
catfish? You kept trying to describe your mother's catfish
to me.
Trip: Ah don't think...Ah don't think Ah'll ever see
home again, Mal. Ah don't think Ah can keep going.
Malcolm: Come on, Trip! We can't just stop here! I
can't carry your grief, but I can carry you!
(rainwoman, celebrating the release of ROTK: EE on DVD)
Apollo: Quick! We've got to get back
to the snow-ram before the Cylons spot us!
Starbuck: Buddy, you are so in the wrong franchise.
(evay)
Malcolm (mumbling as he carries Trip back
to the pod): Damn heavy pecan-pie-eating Yank...
(Jennifer B)
The Script
Doctors part 1
The Script
Doctors part 2
The
Script Doctors, Classic Trek
The
Script Doctors, Voyager
Every
Picture Tells A Story
The Script
Doctors, Battlestar Galactica 2K
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