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MALCOLM:...I'm telling you, there's no comparison.
TRIP: The Stones were touring into their seventies.
MALCOLM: They should have stopped in their
fifties. Not to mention John Lennon was shot.
In your country,
you'll recall. Not much chance of a reunion tour after that.
TRIP: Let It Be was overproduced and
boring.
MALCOLM: And I suppose Black and Blue was
a triumph of immortal songwriting?
HOSHI: Are we recording?
PHLOX: I don't believe so. The captain and
Subcommander aren't back with the food yet.
TRAVIS: What's the rush? Those two raise bickering
to an art form.
MALCOLM: You requested "Yellow Submarine" for
Movie Night last month!
TRIP: It's funny!
MALCOLM: The Rolling Stones never did
any feature-length cartoons.
TRIP: Actually, the Beatles didn't either.
Those aren't their voices.
TRAVIS: Really?
TRIP: They only agreed to it to finish their
three-picture deal. They weren't even gonna be in it at all
until they saw the rough cut. Then they liked it, so they
filmed that little bit at the end.
MALCOLM: That's beside the point!
 TRIP:
The point is, the movie is fun to watch, but if you
want rock'n'roll, you put on the Stones.
MALCOLM: All those years of standing next to that great
roaring engine must have severely damaged your hearing. Not
to mention your taste.
ARCHER: We're back! Food's here!
TRIP: Hey Cap'n -- Beatles or Stones?
ARCHER: Oh, Stones, definitely.
MALCOLM {makes scoffing sound}: As if he knows
anything about musical quality.
T'POL: The Rolling Stones were chaotic, misogynistic, derivative,
and juvenile. The Beatles were groundbreaking musicians who
wrote complicated harmonies, infectious singles, and poignant
ballads. The longevity of their work proves they are the
superior musical group.
TRIP: You don't listen to rock music. Ah don't even think
you listen to human music!
HOSHI: But you have to admit she has --
ARCHER, TRIP, MALCOLM, HOSHI, TRAVIS, PHLOX, PORTHOS: Good
ears.
ARCHER: Okay, I have two chicken vindaloo extra spicy, one
lamb korma, one chicken curry, two chicken tikka masala,
Porthos gets the tandoori chicken breast, and the one with
the big N is navratan curry; that's T'Pol's. Everybody gets
naan.
HOSHI: Is there chutney?
T'POL: Yes.
ARCHER: Hey, the recording light is on!
PORTHOS: Oops, my bad. I must've sat on the remote.
PHLOX: Not to worry, Captain. They'll just trim this section.
TRIP: You got samosas, didn't you?
TRAVIS: They're in the tinf{zwip!}
{commentary begins}
ARCHER: Hi there, thanks for joining
us. I'm Captain Jon Archer, here with my crew to provide
you with our insights
on the filming of "Future Tense," a second-season
episode by Sussman and Strong.
PHLOX: Excellent writers.
T'POL: I concur.
ARCHER: And directed by James Whitmore, Jr., with whom I
had the pleasure of working several times on Quantum Leap.
TRIP: Oh, Ah remember him. He directed "Acquisition."
MALCOLM: The Blue Knickers Experience.
TRIP: Hey, if an Andorian joined Starfleet, would they let
him wear some other color underwear?
HOSHI: I'm starting the episode!
{Teaser. Magical Mystery Pod tumbles through space.}
TRAVIS: I would have loved to fly that thing.
ARCHER: I wonder if it would have beaten the Vissian pod
in a race?
{Launch Bay Two.}
{"I'm not sure whether this end's the bow...or the
stern."}
MALCOLM: And Whitmore had me walk in front of it?
What kind of an Armoury Officer am I supposed to be?
 HOSHI: Captain, is that an exocomp on the table behind you?
TRAVIS: I told you, props get recycled.
TRIP: And plots.
{Dead guy.}
TRAVIS: Look! Seven! It's Lieutenant John Kelly!
TRIP: Speakin' of recycling...
HOSHI: Ew!
ARCHER: You know, I understand there are a few fans who like the
theme song.
TRIP: There are a few fans who like "Spock's Brain," too.
Fast-forward.
{episode begins. Sickbay.}
PHLOX: I wish the directors would leave notes for one another.
For Mister Mayweather's alleged autopsy, Sickbay was practically
glowing, but here we have a dramatic spotlight on the corpse
while the rest of the room is in gray mode.
{"I wonder...if this could be Zephram Cochrane."}
TRIP: The Alpha Centauran from "Metamorphosis" or
the human from First Contact?
MALCOLM: Hush! You'll wake the nitpickers again. We finally
got them to go down.
{Launch Bay Two.}
{"That's got to be a world record for hitchhiking."}
T'POL: Which world?
TRAVIS: I traded with the Commander for the stupid line
in this scene.
MALCOLM: What did you get?
TRIP: The model of the Phoenix from his desk.
ARCHER: Hey, I wanted that!
{Ready Room. ARCHER is talking with ADMIRAL FORREST.}
PHLOX: Doesn't he hold the record for the most roles played
in Star Trek?
HOSHI: I think he's up to 13 or 14.
ARCHER: Great guy to work with.
PORTHOS: You only say that because he lets you go first
at the buffet table.
{Launch Bay Two, inside the Magical Mystery Pod.}
{"Organic circuitry?"}
TRAVIS: Free-range isolinear chips and no pesticides in
the warp plasma. The Berkeley used that stuff all
the time on their Halifax-Portland route.
{"How can a ship be bigger on the inside than the
outside?"}
ARCHER: Wasn't that covered in Advanced Star Trek Physics?
TRIP: Yeah, but Scotty wrote that after he was rescued off
the Jenolen. Didn't do us much good here.
 PHLOX: Whitmore did a remarkable job in filming this scene
by flashlight. Very cinéma verité.
MALCOLM: More like cinéma difficult
to see what's going on.
{Bridge.}
TRAVIS: Oh my gosh! I got two lines in a row!
PORTHOS: {barks}
{general applause}
{Suliban hails the ship.}
HOSHI: Mottled green skin, orange jumpsuits. Either Robert
Blackman lost a bet or Michael Westmore was on vacation.
ARCHER: They did such a good job casting all the Vorta as
slithery, calculating types -- it's a shame this guy doesn't
sound anywhere near as creepy as Silik.
TRIP: Well, there were only so many Drama Queen
genetic enhancements to go around.
{"He'll tell you I don't respond well to threats."}
T'POL: Captain Janeway's delivery of
that line in "Year
of Hell" was much more forbidding.
ARCHER: She's a redhead. She could frighten people reading
the phone book.
{Launch Bay Two, inside the Magical Mystery Pod.}
{"This could be a release pin."}
TRIP: See how easy it is to explore alien technology when
everything in the universe is based on the Mac architecture?
MALCOLM: Indeed. If it were all Microsoft,
it'd give "blue
screen of death" a whole new meaning.
 HOSHI: Okay, that Suliban wasn't even good CGI. He
doesn't have facial features!
TRIP:...aaaaand there Ah go.
ARCHER: Nice shooting, Malcolm!
MALCOLM: Thank you. It's such a pleasure to be allowed to
hit something on-camera.
{Stock shot of ship flying through space.}
TRAVIS: Can the spotlight probes keep up with us at warp?
T'POL: They are designed to stay at a precise distance from
the ship under all circumstances, including the vessel's
total destruction, thus leading to their colloquial name
--
ARCHER: Please don't make a "Klingon" pun.
T'POL: -- "remoras."
ARCHER: You were going to say it, weren't you.
T'POL: I was not. Vulcans never bluff.
ARCHER: Spock's delivery of that line
in "The Doomsday
Machine" was much more convincing.
{Sickbay.}
{"This sequence is Terrelian."}
PHLOX: I think we owe Dr. Wyatt Miller a round of applause
for curing the Terrelian bio-warfare plague.
T'POL: Doctor, are you sure you have
the right species? At the time, they were called "Tarellian."
PHLOX: Too much confusion with the Talarians.
{DANIELS's quarters.}
TRIP: That's the same lock Ah used to
create the fake vault in "Acquisition"!
TRAVIS: Same director, same props.
MALCOLM: And yet we didn't catch a glimpse of your knickers
this round, Mister Tucker.
TRIP: Ya wanna see 'em now?
ARCHER: I think we've seen more than enough of you in your
underwear, Trip.
 {Ships zip by on the 3-D database.}
HOSHI: Did you film this on greenscreen, like they do with
the weather maps?
ARCHER: No, they just had a pair of glowsticks
for us to focus on. This was all added in post.
PHLOX: I understand the Okudas stopped by to
provide some drawings.
ARCHER: Just the frames they already had on
file. I think Drexler did mostly new work for this.
TRAVIS: Klingon, I think it's Vor'cha class--
probably Galaxy-class -- that could be the Delta Flyer --
more Klingons -- another Vulcan cruiser -- that looks like Voyager with
the nacelles drawn down --
HOSHI: Drool towel?
TRAVIS: Thanks.
{Space. Enterprise is being chased by a Tholian
ship.}
 MALCOLM: That warp glow is entirely the wrong color. Tholian
engines output at the red end of the spectrum.
TRIP: Quiet! The continuity editor will hear you and start
crying again.
{Bridge.}
{"It's awfully warm inside that ship -- more than
200 degrees."}
ARCHER: Which translates to...
T'POL: Approximately four hundred degrees Farenheit.
TRAVIS: It's practically an oven.
TRIP: Let's have a moment of silence for the late and much-lamented
Julia Child....
HOSHI: Anyone else think they used an old SimpleText speech
synthesizer for the Tholian's voice?
{"Release us, or I'll destroy the ship in our launch
bay."}
PHLOX: Ah, the precursor to the Janeway Strategy of threatening
to destroy one's own ship on a monthly basis.
PORTHOS: Ooh, Daddy's milking the big dramatic pause for
all it's worth...
ARCHER: Hoshi, you never translate the curse words. Why
is that?
HOSHI: Sir, I'm a lady!
MALCOLM: Plus then she can swear like a sailor in front
of you and you'll never know.
HOSHI: ghuy'cha'.
{Mess Hall.}
{"That corpse is full of surprises!"}
PHLOX: When the dancing girl jumped out of his sternum,
I nearly soiled my pants!
{general snickering}
 T'POL: I believe the Doctor's eyes are attempting to be
nominated for an Emmy award.
TRIP: Nice little IDIC speech there, Doc.
PHLOX: Another great Star Trek tradition: the Chief Medical
Officer annoying the dickens out of the Vulcan.
{"I believe in embracing surprises."}
PORTHOS: Like the dancing girl?
{Engineering.}
{"Don't tell me you've never wondered what it would
be like... how our mission will turn out."}
TRIP: Nope. Ah only got one question.
MALCOLM: Four, five, six, or seven seasons?
TRIP: Exactly.
{"Suppose you could look into some future book and
find out the name of the woman you're going to marry. Would
you want to know it?"}
TRAVIS: If you ask me, I'd rather know the name of
her lawyer. It could save me some expense in the long run.
TRIP: Ah love the parallels here. Sussman and Strong are
fan-tas-tic at character development.
HOSHI: I wish Trav and I could have gotten one
of those scenes.
 {Launch Bay Two, outside the Magical Mystery Pod.}
MALCOLM: Ah, the great stegosaurus debate.
TRIP: And history lesson. Ah guarantee nobody in the audience
will ever forget what happened in 1588.
{Launch Bay Two, outside the Magical Mystery Pod.}
MALCOLM: And now for something completely the same.
TRIP: Ah heard rumors Drake sold his soul to the devil to
make him a great admiral.
MALCOLM: Calumny and libel.
TRIP: An' that the devil sent sea witches to raise that
storm against the Spanish.
MALCOLM: Complete rubbish.
TRIP: An' that his Weapons Officer hated runny
eggs.
MALCOLM: That's the family legend, at any rate.
{Launch Bay Two, outside the Magical Mystery Pod.}
MALCOLM: It sounds like we understudied for one another.
TRIP: Or Whitmore wanted us to do a li'l tribute to Face/Off.
MALCOLM: Or "Vis à Vis."
TRIP: Or "Renaissance Man."
HOSHI: You were saying something about recycling?
{Bridge.}
{"It felt like we were having the same conversation
over and over again."}
TRAVIS: What was it like?
MALCOLM: Got rather repetitive. Especially since I was involved
in both time loops.
TRAVIS: I mean, having that many lines in a row.
ARCHER: And here's where T'Pol and I do our Mulder and Scully
impressions.
T'POL: Agent Scully was correct on some occasions.
ARCHER: It's the redhead thing again.
{Ready Room.}
TRIP: Wow, Cap'n, that was a really smooth duck under the
pylon!
ARCHER: Do have any idea how many hours I've spent practicing
pacing in there so I don't hit my head while filming?
HOSHI: Is that why they've had to replace the
carpet already?
PHLOX: Subcommander, I believe you sound much
more like Seven of Nine in her early objections to Voyager's
mission than Scully. After all, Scully was an investigator.
It was her job to be curious.
T'POL: Seven of Nine was correct on some occasions too.
PHLOX: Although not in her ultimate choice in boyfriends.
{general "blecch!" sounds}
PORTHOS: This scene is a perfect example of the reason the
Temporal Cold War thing never got off the ground. Either
we're standing around talking about hypotheticals or Daddy
turns a corner and he's suddenly a hundred years from yesterday.
There's no middle ground.
{Bridge.}
TRAVIS: Notice that Malcolm and Hoshi and I never moved
in this entire scene, even though we're jolting everywhere?
ARCHER: All right, all right, you win! I'll get some embroidery
on my seat cushion.
TRIP: Or you could just quit pacin' so much.
ARCHER: There's no carpet to worry about on
the Bridge. Or pylons.
{The Tholians and Suliban arrive where Enterprise and
the Tal'Kir are parked and begin firing at one another.}
{"I never thought I'd be glad to see the Suliban."}
PHLOX: They monopolize the buffet, blow their lines, and
leave grease paint all over the dressing room counters.
HOSHI: Silik makes really good brownies, though.
{Space. A Tholian vessel slides by the camera. It just
looks really cool.}
 {Launch Bay Two, beside the Magical Mystery Pod.}
MALCOLM: At least I got to do my job repeatedly.
ARCHER: And I managed not to set off a warhead. Repeatedly.
{Launch Bay Two, beside the Magical Mystery Pod.}
MALCOLM: Now, I wonder, shouldn't T'Pol have paged you again?
ARCHER: But time was only repeating for us.
MALCOLM: But her page was part of our time loop.
ARCHER: Temporal paradox! Arg, my brain is
exploding!
MALCOLM: Mind you don't get any gray matter
on the carpet or they'll have to replace that one too.
{"How far do you think we got last time?"}
MALCOLM: On a first date? Double-entendre at best.
{Launch Bay Two, beside the Magical Mystery Pod.}
ARCHER: I never did time it -- was it, in fact, four minutes?
MALCOLM: The first attempt it was nearly five. By the last
go-round I think we had it down to a minute and a half.
ARCHER: Is manual warhead-arming an Olympic sport?
MALCOLM: No, but I'm going to insist that it be part of
the curriculum when Starfleet Academy is finally founded.
{Engineering and Sickbay. The TECH and the pilot from
the Magical Mystery Pod vanish.}
 TRIP: Ah hate that. You put something down, turn your head
for a second, and it just disappears.
PHLOX: I've lost some patients in my time, but -- not like that.
TRIP: How'd the Vulcans take it when you tried to tell 'em
what happened?
ARCHER: "Andrei -- you've lost another submarine?"
{general laughter}
{Captain's Mess.}
TRIP: Aaaand Ah get the cabbagehead line for the sake of
exposition again.
T'POL: I was required to take the cabbagehead position on
the entire plot, Commander. Perhaps you should not feel so
slighted.
ARCHER: Why do you always run off in the middle of dinner,
Trip? You never finish what you're eating.
TRIP: Scene transition. Plus gazpacho doesn't agree with
me.
ARCHER: Really? I'm sorry. I had no idea.
I'll make sure Chef sends something else up next time.
TRIP: Thanks. Steak Diane'd be nice. And pie.
ARCHER: Well, it looks like we're finished
here. For our next commentary we're going to have a special
guest -- Commander
Shran will be joining us for "The Andorian Incident."
T'POL: {splutters}
ARCHER: Relax, T'Pol, I'll make sure he's sitting on the
other side of the room.
MALCOLM: Are you going to ask him what color his knickers
are, Mister Tucker?
TRIP: Not for all the latinum on Norcadia.
MALCOLM: Not even Vorta hell of it?
ARCHER: Don't make me separate you two. |
