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Personal Quiz: Porthos


Name as it appears on your birth certificate? Breezy out of Gingersnap. Look, that's how they do pedigrees.

Current name? Porthos

Nicknames? Pup, Port, "dog"

Parents' names? Gingersnap and Ulee

Siblings? Athos (Brian), D'Artagnan (Bryce), Aramis (Bruno) -- we were the B litter, obviously.

Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake? 2

Date that you regularly blow them out? February 6

Pets? I'm considered one.

Height? 37cm

Eye color? Brown

Hair color? Brown, black, and white

Piercings? none

Tattoos? a little ID thingy deep in my left ear.

How much do you love your job? Since my job is "keeping Alpha Male happy," I'd say I wish I could do it better.

Birthplace? Los Gatos, CA (yes, I'm aware of the irony)

Hometown? Enterprise

Current residence? Enterprise, in Alpha Male's den

College attended, degree? None so far; I'm looking into correspondence courses. I'm having difficulty deciding on a major. Maybe Philosophy. Or Interspecies Comparative Literature.

What kind of car do you drive? Cars are for hanging out of.


Croutons or bacon bits? Bacon bits. But they have to be real bacon.

Coke or Pepsi? yuck! I don't like carbonated beverages. The bubbles go up my nose.

Sprite or 7UP? See above.

Coffee or ice cream? Ice cream. Dulce de Leche.

Coffee, tea, or decaf? None of the above.

Milk chocolate or dark? Chocolate is not good for dogs.

Buttered, plain, or salted popcorn? Salted and buttered.

Red or white wine? What cheese is it being served with?

Gold or silver? Gold

Two or four doors? whichever one's open

Bridges or tunnels? Depends; is there a rabbit in the tunnel?

Beach, city, or country? Beach, definitely. Alpha Male and Fixit Male like to throw the Frisbee around for me.

Summer or winter? Summer. Who needs snow in their paws?

Storms: Cool or scary? Cool to watch, scary to be in. Not even dogs like the smell of wet dogs.

Roller coaster: Scary or exciting? You must be this tall to ride this ride, and I'm not.

James Dean or Clark Gable? Gable. Dean is a lone wolf.

Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn? Marilyn. Yum.

Beatles or Stones? Stones. Alpha Male and I do a mean duet on "Honky Tonk Women."

Blanket or stuffed animal? ...they STUFF animals?

One pillow or two? I have two of my own, but I sleep on Alpha Male's.

Adidas, Nike, or Reebok? Dogs don't wear shoes.

Mac, PC, or Unix? Mac all the way. (I confess I don't have the head for coding.)


Salad dressing? Blue cheese.

Salad? grass with basil

Pizza topping? sausage, meatballs, extra extra extra cheese

Foods? Cheese. Any kind of cheese. Brie, boursin, Fontainebleau, Stilton, Dorset Blue Vinny, Leicester, Penbryn, Tyn Grug, double Gloucester, Bryndza, feta, gouda, mozzarella, ricotta, ricotta salata, marscapone, provolone, asiago, parmigiana, gruyere, camembert, Swiss, Saanenkaese, siraz, Jarlsberg, oaxaca, quark, zamorano, gorgonzola, limburger, cheddar, monterey jack, muenster, colby, edam, farmer's, American, Velveeta, bring it on!

Sandwich filling? white American cheese with just a little bit of mayo

Dessert? Fixit Male's dam made a ricotta cheesecake once. Heavenly.

Type of ice cream? Dulce de Leche, French vanilla with maple

Restaurant? Any place they'll serve me.

Fast food place? See above.

Drink, non-alcoholic? milk

Drink, alcoholic? I had beer once. I see no need to repeat the experience.

Color of socks? white

Shampoo or conditioner? Canine Care

Toothpaste? Canine Care

Place to be kissed? nose, top of my head

Holiday? Thanksgiving. Lots of leftovers.

Color? Brown

Car? Anything with big windows which roll down all the way.

Day of the week? "Saturday night's the night I like, Saturday night's all right, all right, ooooooooooooh..." sorry -- I love Elton John. :)

Band/Artist? Elton, Sheryl Crow, Billy Joel

Book? A Wrinkle in Time, A Wind in the Door, A Swiftly Tilting Planet, Madeline L'Engle

Magazine? World News Digest Weekly

Movie? The "Lord of the Rings" trilogy, extended director's editions

TV show? "Frasier"

TV character? Mork. Robin Williams should have done more TV.

Disney character? The Tramp from "Lady and the Tramp"

Warner Bros. character? The sheepdog and coyote who spend their "working" day beating the tar out of each other and then are friends at the 5:00 bell.

Sesame Street character? Big Bird. Barkley was like the retarded cousin nobody wants to talk about.

James Bond? Connery! Is there any other?

Quote? "On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog."

Word or phrase? "Dinnnertime!"

Flower? buttercup (What, you thought I was going to say "dogwood"?)

Sport to watch? Fencing is very exciting. Water polo is okay.

Zoo exhibit? What's a zoo?

Board game? Trivial Pursuit. I'm the ship's undefeated champion. Healer Female is my only real competition.

Town to chill in? Stone Harbor, NJ

Perfume/Cologne? yuck!

Website?, the WebDVM advice column, The Straight Dope

Least favorite thing? What happens after cheese.

Least favorite subject? Alpha Male lecturing me on what happens after cheese.


Been in love before? I'm developing a crush on Healer Male's Pyrithian bat, Phaela. I wonder how she feels about cross-species dating.

Loved somebody so much it made you cry? Check back with me after I've talked to her.

Dumper or dumpee? Neither, I hope!

What inspires you? Knowing there are intelligent species on other planets.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Still keeping Alpha Male happy. And Fixit Male and Guardian Male if they're around.

What do you look for in a partner? Intelligence, sensitivity, a sense of wonder, the ability to hear very high-pitched sounds, an appreciation for Elton John.

What did you want to be when you grew up? Part of a great pack. Which I am.

What characteristics do you despise? Rudeness. People who are bullies. Stinginess. Flaunting pack authority.

If you had a big win in the lottery, how long would you wait to contact people? I think Alpha Male is legally required to handle my finances, so you'd better ask him.

Where would you retire to? Alpha Male's feet. Preferably he'll have found a mate by that point. I can't sire any litters, but nothing's stopping him.

Have you ever been convicted of a crime? Never! Accused, certainly, but nobody could ever prove it was me.

Do you get along with your parents? Well, I didn't know my sire, really, but my dam was very nice. I adore Alpha Male. He just makes me want to wag my tail all over. He's the best.

Have you ever gone skinny-dipping? That would require me to shave all my fur -- an embarrassment at the very least.

Do you make fun of people? All the time. There's a little chameleon in the Healer Male's den, Maddie, who loves to gossip. When we get going, nothing is sacred.

Last person you went to dinner with? I brought Guardian Male a "bag lunch" from Hunter Male a few weeks ago, and sat with him to make sure he ate. Guardian Male takes his duties very seriously. I mean, that's a good thing, but even the Guardian has to eat. I can watch the perimeter for fifteen minutes.

What did you do for your last birthday? Alpha Male took me with him when he went down to the beach planet, but the Mystery Bitch he met had a little bitch with her. None of us got along. Why couldn't we have just thrown the Frisbee around with Fixit Male?

Do you carry a donor card? Yes


Had the drink Calypso Breeze? ew! no.

Been to Europe? no

Been to Africa? no

Been toilet-papering? yes, but I was scolded for dragging it around the house.

Been toilet-papered? I was paper-trained; does that count?

Been in a car crash? No!

Lucky Number? 261 -- amazing how often those numbers come up in my life.

Any superstitions? Always turn around three times before going to sleep for the night. Unwinds all the day's stress.

When was your last hospital visit? The only good thing to come out of that horrible experience was meeting Phaela. I refuse to discuss the rest of it.

First thing you think of when you wake up? I'm warm! Why is Alpha Male making me move?

What color is your bedroom's carpet? gray

What color is your bathroom? I'm a dog... the world is my bathroom.

What's on your mouse pad? It's Alpha Male's. He has a photo of me! He loves me.

What's under your bed? I don't know! Let me go check. ...Oh, it's a bow from the surprise birthday party the pack threw for Alpha Male. That was fun. Even Silent Female made an appearance.

How many times did you fail your permit and/or driver's license test? Haven't taken either.

If you could eat lunch with one famous person, who would it be? Pavlov. I'd have quite a bit to say to that man.

What was the last film you saw at the movies? Whatever was showing at Movie Night... it was something with subtitles.

What was the last film you saw at home? Talking Female brought over "The Red Violin." Alpha Male nodded off, but I thought it was lovely.

What was the last book you read? I'm working my way through Flatland, by Edwin Abbott. Fixit Male recommended it. Very strange, but I'm enjoying it.

What was the last CD you listened to? "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road"

What do you have for breakfast? Kibble. Plus whatever Alpha Male will share from his plate.

Can you touch your nose with your tongue? yes. And many other places, but not in mixed company.

Can you roll your tongue? yes

How many keys on your key ring? I don't use keys. I whine until someone lets me in. It's not dignified, but I don't have opposable thumbs.

Where would you like to visit most? Middle-Earth

Hobbies? Frisbee-chasing

Which single store would you choose to max your credit card? Harrod's

What do you do most often when you are bored? Chew. Which doesn't please Alpha Male if I chew on something I'm not supposed to.

What words or phrases do you overuse? "ostensibly" (Maddie says I'm just showing off my vocabulary)

What words or phrases do your friends overuse? "I'll get back to ya." (But Fixit Male, I need to go NOW! or I'll have an accident!)

Friend who lives farthest away? Dale, the chocolate Lab who lived next door to us when we were in San Francisco

Greatest pet peeve? (That's sort of redundant, isn't it?) When Alpha Male gets so wound up in his water polo games that he forgets that I need to go for a walk. I mean, the game is recorded; there's no reason he can't pause it.

Best thing in the world? Alpha Male. And cheese.

When do you get up? Right after Alpha Male does.

Bedtime? 2200

Last new thing you bought for yourself? I haven't bought anything in ages. I did indulge myself and write some sonnets recently, though.

Photo: Second season promo photo via Enterprise NX-01 RPG