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 CURRICULUM
VITAE
Lineage ID? Don't have one. We're mixed
blood.
Current name? Charles Tucker III
Aliases? Monkey Wrench
Rank? Commander
Current primary enemy? I try to stay
out of the way of people on top. But if I have an opportunity
to get to Reed, I'm gonna strap his smirking ass to the core
and go to warp.
Current secondary enemy? I can't believe
the damn Vulcan used me to sabotage my own engines. That's
not right. You don't interfere in a man's job.
Number of years you've survived? 36
Number of battles won? Most of 'em,
but I try to keep my head down. Fights attract attention.
Pets? I fed a stray cat for a few years
when I was little. I was the only person he didn't run off
from. He let me pet him once in a while. I gave him a Viking
funeral.
Height? 1.75m
Eye color? The good one's blue. I don't
know what color the other one is. Maybe it's glowing by now.
Hair color? Dirty blond, going gray
Piercings? I've managed not to get stabbed
by anything so far.
Tattoos? Yes, but I ain't tellin' you
what or where
Scars? See this ugly mug? That's
why you're supposed to wear protective gear when you work
directly on the warp core.
Any major body parts missing or supplemented
with a prosthetic? I had an emergency toolkit installed
in a sphincter pouch in place of my appendix. I just reach
in through my navel and fish out whatever I need. (Beats having
a stick up my ass like some people I could name.)
How much do you love the Empire? Amat
victoria curam
Current ship? Enterprise. Well,
I guess Defiant at the moment.
How many people did you have remove to get
there? For Enterprise, four
Next ship? Depends whether they blow
Defiant out of orbit.
PREFERENCES
Very tight pants or miniskirts? Miniskirt...you
can see without really looking, if you know what I mean.
Leather, Kevlar, or armor? Kevlar. Leather's
useless and armor's too bulky to do anything in.
Whisky or ale? A good whisky, but I
haven't had any in years.
Rare wines and exotic delicacies captured
from passing vessels in the name of the Empire, or haunch
of targ with rotgut from the still in Engineering? Hey,
I make good rotgut!
Coffee or Jolt? Coffee. Don't need the
belching.
Food or sex? I think food right now.
Hard to get seduced into being brainwashed over a ham sandwich.
Even a really good ham sandwich.
Do you enjoy devising your own interrogations
or do you savor watching someone else do the tough extractions?
I do my own work.
Knife blade: serrated, hook, or poisoned?
Poisoned. If you have to use a blade, go for the one with
the redundant backup.
Gold or silver? Gold
Bridges or tunnels? Bridges. There are
only two ways out of a tunnel -- sometimes one.
Growl, shout, or hiss? growl
Coliseum or torture chamber? Coliseum.
I like to see the men and the animals both get a fighting
chance.
Vulcans: mostly useful minions or servants
who are too intelligent for their own good? {mutters
something about "pointy ears" and then declines
to answer}
Ion storms: Cool or scary? Scary as
hell! Have you ever tried to hold a ship's propulsion system
together through an ion storm?
Vlad the Impaler or Niccoló Machiavelli?
Machiavelli. Why shed blood when politics works better anyway?
Lucrezia Borgia or Countess Bathory?
Lucy was framed.
Colonel Green or Khan? They were both
nuts.
Sauron or Voldemort? Voldemort, hands
down. In fact, just hands.
Beatles or Stones? Stones!
Daggers or swords? Easier to hide a
dagger, but a sword has more reach.
Mac, PC, or Unix? Unix. Windows is just
impossible to get anything done in.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE...
Pizza topping? very spicy sausage
Dessert? I had an actual Georgia peach
once. I'll never forget it. It was like a mouthful of summer.
Energy weapon? That bigass phase cannon
Reed liked to fire at everyone. Well, once I fixed it so it
didn't draw directly from my engine.
Training film? They're all boring. I
learn by doing stuff.
Monitoring device? I'd better upgrade
from what I used on Enterprise, since it didn't stop
a certain pointy-eared vixen from getting me to wreck my
own systems.
Method of keeping your underlings in line?
You can behave, or you can do a week or two of shifts next
to the core.
Place to be kissed? The good side of
my face. The other half's pretty much numb.
Imperial holiday? World Series Week.
Go Marlins!
Book? The Works of Leonardo
da Vinci
James Bond villain? Scaramanga (The
Man With the Golden Gun)
Quote? "It takes a craftsman to
build a barn, but only an ass to kick it down."
Word or phrase? "I'll fix it."
Website? The Leaky Cauldron
Least favorite thing? Knowing that I'm
only ever going to get any bedroom action for business reasons.
RANDOM PERSONAL QUESTIONS
How many weapons do you carry on your person,
approximately? Between three and six
How old were you when you committed your
first assassination? 16. It was an honor-killing thing.
How many times has someone attempted to assassinate
you? Three. I think Kelby's plotting number four, but
I've got it under control.
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Maybe if I make some big shot happy, they'll give me a research
lab, and I can build a really big engine which doesn't leak
any radiation.
What do you look for in a partner? Willingness.
And not to make remarks about my face.
What did you want to be when you grew up?
When I was little, the Emperor. (Doesn't everybody?) That
was before I found out it was much more interesting to fix
things. And take them apart. And build other things.
What characteristics do you despise?
Making a professional problem personal. Look, everybody lies
and manipulates and sometimes to you have knock somebody off
to get ahead, but it's just business. Taking out a personal
contract on somebody because of work, that's just plain rude.
How do you express anger? Swearing.
Things in Engineering don't react well to phaser blasts.
Would you rather die or become a bureaucrat?
I'll take the paper-pushing. I can always find a way out
eventually.
What was your most satisfying revenge?
That honor killing. Nobody, and I mean nobody, puts
a hand on my baby sister. I don't care if he was the governor
of Florida.
Last person you went to dinner with? Pleasure
or business? Culminated in sex or death? Sato. Business
-- a thank-you from Forrest. Sex. Didn't know you could
do that with edamame.
Last crony whom you rewarded for a nasty
job well-done? Hess. She's making Kelby very nervous.
When he screws up, I'll have a reason to assign him
to the warp core, and that should take care of that problem.
Ever been a "Captain's Woman"
or "Captain's Man"? With this face? Are you
kidding?
RANDOM QUESTIONS
Had the drink Calypso Breeze? I don't
like to drink anything I haven't made myself or scanned for
safety.
Any superstitions? I try to feed every
cat or cat-like thing we come across. It's sort of an "Androcles
and the Lion" thing.
First thing you think of when you wake up?
Nobody's in the room with me with a weapon pointed at my head?
good.
What's on your mouse pad? Starfleet
logo
What's under your bed? Never you mind.
How many people did you have to bribe to
get into Imperial service? Actually, I was kind of drafted
-- the governor had a wife, and...well, that's all water under
the bridge now. I had wanted to work on terraforming machinery.
What Academy subject is completely useless?
Literary criticism
What was the last book you read? T'Pol
was reading me a few pages out of some Vulcan philosophy book.
I suppose it wouldn't be a bad idea if it caught on, but I
don't give it much of a chance.
Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
Not any more.
Can you roll your tongue? I could when
I was little.
Hobbies? I still design a few odds and
ends for terraforming. I have a few friends who like to see
new ideas.
Should supervillains have capes? yeah!
What's a great villain without a great costume?
Which single store would you choose to extort
tribute from? Northern Tool Supply Company
Greatest pet peeve? When people don't
clean up after themselves. Blood stinks, the stains are
a bitch to get out, and it ruins machinery. I don't care
if you take out a whole regiment,
but hose the damn place down afterward.
Best thing in the world? Getting a cat
to trust me enough to eat out of my hand, and maybe sit with
me for a bit and purr.
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest
of them all? It sure ain't me.
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